I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
