dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
