My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
