I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
