I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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