What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
