sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
