dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
