i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
