I'm really into asian looking animals
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was confusing and full of hummus
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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