I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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