just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
