that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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