You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
