dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
