Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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