If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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