I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
