If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
