My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
