Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
