she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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