So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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