you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
