Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Houston, we have a blender
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
