i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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