I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Semen is not good for contacts.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
