just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
