Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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