man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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