good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
