lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
