she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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