I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
