At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
