Only a mothe r could love this liver
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
