when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
