Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
