ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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