You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
