She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
