Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
