Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
this hospital has no fireball
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
