I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
