I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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