the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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