Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
