I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
