I want to walk on stilts...naked
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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