She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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