There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
