By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
